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Five Easy Steps to being an Agent of Imperialism

Agent of Imperialism, noun: carrier of empire.  An agent of imperialism is one who imports the reigning hegemonic values wherever she goes.  She assumes that those at the borders of empire desire the empire and are pleased to see it arrive.

1.  Shop at Starbucks, Ben & Jerry’s, the Gap, only at places you could have shopped at the mall at home.  Also, complain about the lack of malls.

2.  Use your credit card instead of cash especially in cash-strapped countries.  If they ask for cash, demand that they take your credit card.

3.  Speak English.  Don’t even ask if the person to whom you speak speaks English before you begin speaking.  Assume everyone does.  Don’t bother to learn simple phrases before you go.  When you return home, continue to demand that everyone visiting or emigrating speak English.

4.  If people do things differently than you do at home, like charge you for the bread they bring to the table even if you didn’t order it or charge you a nominal table fee, insist that your way is the right way.  It’s patriotic.

5.  Mention suing people for things you don’t like–tiny streets with fast cars, cobblestones, not being able to get into your room when you arrive at the hotel, whatever you can think of.

Good luck and enjoy taking the empire to the world!  America thanks you.

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